Archive humorous spiritual wisdom from Guru Chikkentikkenanda and Gerry Thompson

The guru archive

Chikkentikkenanda's Guide to New Age Bollox...

Alexander Technique
A seemingly innocent approach to postural training, which is
actually a cover for a far-reaching system of training for world
domination, much favoured by actors and other ego-centric
individuals. An Australian claimed to have invented the method
last century, but its history actually goes back much further.
The original practitioner, in fact, lived around 500AD, and as a
result of the practice was able to conquer Macedonia, Greece
and Egypt, then go on to invade Persia, Assyria and Babylon,
before finishing off his conquests with Afghanistan, most of India
and Asia Minor in general.
Affirmations
Uttering affirmations daily is a wondrous method of changing your life without getting off your ass, as we gurus say. Just say them to yourself when you are feeling terrible. Here are some examples:

"Everyone adores me, and I can hardly blame them"
"I am always in the Right Place, doing the Right Thing, with the Right Person"
"There is no getting away from it - I am Simply Better than everyone else"
And this one is excellent for constipation:
"Abundant poos flow from me now, with Joy and Ease"

Anger
Anger is the most important human emotion. The purpose of all therapy is to get in touch with your anger. People who have no anger to get in touch cannot be helped even by the most profound and expensive therapy.

By far the most daring work that has been carried out in the field of anger must be my own ground-breakingly innovative 'Getting-in-touch-with-your-anger Workshops' in the early nineteen-sixties. Two hundred eager participants rushed to pay the extremely steep fee in advance, and then turned up for the weekend at the appointed venue. After an hour or two they began to wonder why I had not turned up. They were just there by themselves. No-one was going to turn up, in fact - all weekend. By about lunch time on the first day, the workshop was already starting to work extremely well. People were very much in touch with their anger. By the end of the workshop I was in hiding. I think they got very good value. I'm still in hiding today.

Sharing
Sharing is a euphemism used in spiritual circles for 'talking about oneself'. A whole distinct language has now evolved in 'sharing' circles. Strictly correct forms of response to what people have 'shared' have also become established, and it is vital to observe them in order to follow protocol. Examples are "I hear what you're saying", "I really like where you're coming from", and (when the listener reaches ultimate boredom) "Thank you for sharing".

THE POWER OF WORDS
Please my friends, exercise great care with the way you use words. For example, I myself am always most careful about using the words never and always; in fact I never use the word always - especially in print. I almost never use the word almost, and I almost always avoid the word seldom. In fact I seldom use any words at all. I hope this is helpful to you all.

GURU CHIKKENTIKKENANDA'S LAWS OF TOAST
The First Law of Toast: "If you are about to make toast for yourself, and you ask others present whether they want any, and they say that they don't, and you go ahead and make just enough for yourself, then you will find that they want some after all and take some of yours."

The Second Law of Toast: "If you are about to make toast for yourself, and you ask others present whether they want any and they say that they don't, and you realise that they will want some when it is ready, and if you therefore make extra, then you will find that they don't want it after all and you have too much toast."

The Third Law of Toast: "When dropped, toast always falls the wrong side up."

The General Law of Toast: "The laws of toast operate even if you know about them and take preventative measures."

RADICAL NEW HEALING METHOD
I must also tell you about a fantastic new therapy which I've just developed at the Chikkentikkenanda Healing Research Institute in Sedona, Arizona. It's called ‘Crispopathy™', and it can cure any ailment whatsoever. To receive Crispopathy, the patient lies on his or her back, and single grains of organic puffed rice are placed on the third eye, on the tip of the nose, on each elbow and knee, and on the gonads. Upon chanting 'Om', a healing orgasm is then experienced. If none of the crispies is dislodged, then the patient will be cured. It's a rather expensive treatment - but hey, how serious are you about getting healed?

SUNDRY THOUGHTS OF GURU C:

"Life is too short to be in a hurry all the time"

"People who believe in craniology need their heads examined"

"Life is a jigsaw puzzle - but they don't give you all the pieces"

"Make the most of life, folks - it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience!"

SELECTED ARCHIVE of PAST SERIOUSNESS

LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT
Do not pursue the past;
Do not idly hold out hopes for the future.
The past is already discarded,
And the future has not yet arrived.
Thoroughly discern the nature of the present,
in the midst of reality.
One who, without swaying or moving,
Clearly grasps the present
Deepens his state of life.
Simply set your heart on doing
What must be done today
- Shakyamuni Buddha (patron saint of Imrovisation)

"In our pain-avoiding culture, most people think that the
mentally healthy life is one characterised by an absence
of crises. Nothing could be further from the truth..
Actually, it is possible for healthy people to have several
mid-life crises of different flavours. The point is that what
characterises mental health is not an absence of crises
in our lives, but how quickly we can deal with each crisis
so as to get on to the next one. Indeed,k the goal may be
to see how many crises we can cram into a lifetime!"
- M. Scott Peck, A World Waiting to Be

WHAT IS ANGER?
"Anger arises when one is compelled to control one's circumstances, and yet unable to do so. This results in frustration and hatred of oneself and others, and anger at what does not go one's way.
At core it is a deep-seated sense of powerlessness, which the angry person tries to deal with by having control over externals rather than enriching and strengthening his or her inner life.
This control can take the from of destruction - because the angry person feels compelled to destroy others, or things of value to others, to compensate for their inner powerlessness."
- Robert Samuels/ Art of Living Magazine January 2003

RELATIVITY
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein

"If you want happiness for an hour - take a nap. If you want happiness for a day - go fishing. If you want happiness for a year - inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime - help someone else." - Chinese Proverb

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